"I've got no strings to hold me down..."

Okay so, you may be a bit confused by this title.... bear with me here!

This post is rather hard for me to write, because it involves opening up and expressing my inner true feelings, that I've been having to deal with on a regular basis since Maya has been born.

So as you all have read in my "it's a mind-field" post that I have had my ex's baby. As if this wasn't hard enough to come to terms with, I've also had to deal with the contact and involvement side of things, which has been extremely hard for me.

Now some of you may think "oh just get on with it" or "why is she even writing about this", but having to experience this first hand, I can now see why young mums around my age and possibly older women, are pushed down into a never ending downward spiral, in terms of our mental health, and its to do with factors like these!

My aim of this post is not for you to feel sorry for me, or for anyone to feel like I'm painting a bad picture of anyone involved in this situation, it is purely for people to read and to remember to keep going, to remember that its ok to feel this way, to reach out for help if they need it, to make them feel like they aren't alone in experiencing these feelings they've never felt before, or if you are a friend or family member to check up on those closest to you, because you never know whats really going on.

Not every day is a good day, and not everything you see is always as it seems

OK so after that long introduction - apologies if your bored (I'm a waffler) and if you've stayed to read - hi, you're great, lets be friends!

So why has it been "hard" for me :

1) The "relationship" was never a relationship, families were never met, houses were never visited, it was a case of "I don't have time", there was always something else.....so why would I now want the same in my daughters life.

2) I've never been that girl that stays friends with an ex, to me thats not possible and I cut contact with these people and never look back - hey ho, life you've screwed me over with this one haven't ya!

3) Anxiety - now I know some people will think this is a case of sympathy - NO. This is has been a huge issue for me.

4) Feeling like you're trapped and there is never a way out

5) Crying everyday, not knowing what to do, and if these feelings will ever go away, or if the situation will get any better

6) Fearing that anything you do - whether it be not replying to a text quick enough, them seeing a scratch on the child, and my mind instantly thinking their plotting a case file against me to take away my child

7) Constantly feeling like I have to be perfect all the time otherwise I'll be branded as a "bad mum"

8) Having that awful feeling (girls you know when you find out something that you really didn't want to find out, because you're a psycho that digs and digs and digs then regrets it because you don't like the outcome? yeah that feeling!) every time their name appears, or you see a car like theirs.

The first meet was probably the worst for me, I had a constant feeling of fear and dread for the week leading up to the day, the more the days went by the worse I would feel. The whole journey there, my mouth was drier than Ghandi's flip flop, my hands would not stop shaking, my heart was basically in my arse, it felt like someone had just dropped a stone into my stomach, I couldn't bring myself to speak - not because I had nothing to say (well I kinda didn't) but because I had that much stress and anxiety I physically couldn't. Not being able to look at them - this sounds sooooo bad (I do apologise if you're reading this) but because the situation made me feel physically sick.

I came out of the meeting, and I rang my mum immediately, put the phone down and burst into tears.

I have put things in place to help with the anxiety such as a consistent plan so I know exactly when its happening - the same time every time, a public place to relieve the pressure, taking my mum for support - (you're an angel btw) and doing things MY way and I have a right to do that.

Now many people have told me "it will get better, trust me" - however this hasn't been the case for me, if anything its still about the same, every day I'm dreading receiving that text message, dreading the meet, just full of dread. I have nothing to say, I just have nothing.

So ladies if you have experienced something of the same please holla over to me and tell me your magical ways of dealing with it!

However, the point of this post is to finally express these feelings and get them out, relieve myself of the stress of it all. But also to say, that you may be experiencing the same thing, maybe not the same situation but the feeling of dread, the constant anxiety. My advice to you is push through, grit your teeth, it'll be over before you know it, rant to your hearts content to someone that cares about you - or that can stand you babbling on for hours. Cry it out - (is it just me that feels so much better after a good cry). It is ok to show emotion, its not a sign of weakness. And do things YOUR way, the way that makes you feel COMFORTABLE, do not let someone who is no longer a part of your life control you mentally, or to stop you from doing something the way YOU want.

I am doing it for the sake of my daughter, so she doesn't hate me later in life, but also I have to think about ME.

Us mums are forever doing everything for everyone else, and we forget to take care of our selves, the support for mums is not enough regarding mental health.

SO MUMS IF YOU EVER FEEL LIKE THIS MY ARMS & EARS, (sometimes my eyes, in between those forced naps - you know what I'm talking about) ARE ALWAYS OPEN FOR YOU TO COME TALK TO ME.

LETS STICK TOGETHER AND TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES AND OUR WONDERFULLY STRONG MINDS

Lots of mummy love

Elle xox